I Found Jesus

These are all images that people legitimately believe to be representations of Jesus. Because they have appeared without the help of anybody, they are considered miracles. I say bullshit.

Ceiling Tile Stain Jesus: I see how you could argue that this looks like a person with long hair. So automatically let's slap a Jesus name tag on it. It's a miracle!! No its a water stain on your ceiling tile sir, and if you don't get that leak fixed you are going to have some serious water damage that Jesus won't be able to help you with. Better start building your ark Noah. 

Cheesus: This is my least favorite Jesus image. It's a fucked up cheese puff (looks to be a cheeto, but I don't want to put my credibility on the line and make an accusation like that). I think that this thing looks like a person struggling to get out of a sleeping bag or a cheerleader with no legs. Not jesus, not even close. Keep dreaming jesus lovers.

Dog Ass Jesus: What an appropriate place for Jesus. His head has been delicately fuzed with the asshole of this canine, so whenever it takes a shit there is literally shit coming out of the mouth of jesus. I find this to be shockingly  accurate. I'm a huge fan of this dog ass jesus and am a believer that this is actually Jesus. Keep taking shits puppy.

Fish Dicks Jesus: OK fine its a fish STICK, but say it fast and it sounds like fish dicks... south park anybody? ANYWAY... something is really fishy about this charred and battered fillet of fish. Who in their right mind would burn a perfectly good fish stick like that? This is dumb, I hate people. It kind of looks like the kid who plays Neville Longbottom in the Harry Potter movies to me.

Gross Cup Jesus: Ok sick fuck... wash your damn mug and and it wont be covered in grunge. There is no excuse for the exterior of a coffee mug to reach this level of filthiness. And then to claim that you see jesus... you're stupid.










I don't know why all of these hidden jesus things are so popular. They're usually the result of a fuck up or something being dirty (or a dog's ass). Are you jesus finders insinuating that jesus is a dirty fuck up of a dog's ass? If you are, then we have no argument and I am done. Good day to you.