Pop the Cherry of the Virgin Mary (ok that was really inappropriate)

These are some miracle images of the "virgin mary."

 This woman found the face of good old Mary in her grilled cheese sandwich. Personally I think it resembles Marilyn Monroe, but whatever. I like that the woman has started wearing black lipstick and dark eye makeup in order to resemble the face on her burned piece of toast. C'mon lady... it's a grilled cheese, its pretty hard to fuck up.

 ¡Hola Mary! This face found on a tortilla is a bit more convincing than its grilled cousin above. You would think that if the virgin mary was really trying to reveal herself in some object, she would make herself beautiful and undeniable. Guess someone just made a shitty tortilla.

This guy was in a motorcycle accident and says that he can see the virgin mary in the wound on his leg. He also says that he believes he wasn't injured any worse because he was protected by her. Sir, you're a dumbass. You have a semi phallic wound on your leg which probably resulted from you doing something stupid on your motorcycle. Get a bandaid and stop being such a bitch.

Jesus Freak of the Week #5

Jesus loves you so stop going to the beach wearing your little bathing suits and having fun. Jimbo and Phyllis here hate it when people show skin and have fun, but wanted to leave a little reminder to everyone that jesus will still love them. I mean look at this lady, she's wearing jeans, a long sleeve shirt and shoes to the beach. Then you look at the guy and he has jean shorts, a cut off shirt and sneakers? Who sticks out? The funniest thing to me is that it looks like these two "all-knowing" jesus lovers don't know how to get this cross into the sand. Do you think god is going to float down and push it into the sand with his giant pinky finger?

Best way to get sand kicked in your face: Bring a giant cross to the beach and tell everyone they are sinners.

Me, My Girlfriend, and the Mormon Missionaries (part 3)

So last night my girlfriend and I were having a fantastic Nip/Tuck marathon. It's about 7:48pm and my girlfriend notices some movement in the front yard. She says "shit... mormons!" and runs to the kitchen. One of them sees me through the curtains, smiles and nods... fuck you mormon. I don't get up. They knock. They know I'm here, I can't hide and there's no way they'll leave. So I take my time getting up and eventually I open the door to their huge hopeful smiles. These two guys have been traveling together for a long time. Just them, the two of them, just two guys, two guys doing mormon things. I know what they want. My girlfriend is a very attractive young woman. I get it guys, you just want to chat her up. Well not tonight Captain Joseph and Commander Smith. I tell them that she is away visiting family and they leave. I think next time I will tell them that she moved to Salt Lake City to become a mormon and see if they believe me.

Did you really just say that?

This is a collection of quotes from religious people, most of which are extremely ignorant and inappropriate. (Which means they're funny)


"AIDS is not just God's punishment for homosexuals; it is God's punishment for the society that *tolerates* homosexuals."
-Jerry Falwell, 1993


"The right of holding slaves is clearly established in the Holy Scriptures, both by precept and example."
-R. Furman, Baptist, of South Carolina


"The doctrine that the earth is neither the center of the universe nor immovable, but moves even with a daily rotation, is absurd, and both philosophically and theologically false, and at the least an error of faith."
-Catholic Church's decision against Galileo Galilei


The Earth is degenerating these days. Bribery and corruption abound. Children no longer mind their parents, every man wants to write a book, and it is evident that the end of the world is fast approaching.
- Assyrian Stone Tablet, c.2800BC


The feminist agenda is not about equal rights for women. It is about a socialist, anti-family political movement that encourages women to leave their husbands, kill their children, practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism, and become lesbians.
- Pat Robertson, fundraising letter, 1992


"No, I don't know that atheists should be considered as citizens, nor should they be considered patriots. This is one nation under God."
-George Herbert Walker Bush, Former U. S. President, 1988.


"When the temptation to masturbate is strong, yell "Stop!" to those thoughts as loudly as you can in your mind. Then recite a portion of the Bible or sing a hymn."
-Mormon Guide to Self-Control


More to come

It's all fun and games until someone gets butt hurt

So here are real facts, no laughs...



1. Holy Books - Just because something is written down does not make it true.

2. “Revelations” - A revelation is a personal experience and even if the revelations really did come from a god, there is no way we could prove it.

3. Personal Testimony / Feelings - Though you may be sincere, and even if a god really does exist, a feeling is not proof, either for you or for someone else.

4. Thinking - Scientists studying religion and the brain, a new field called neurotheology, have identified the temporal lobe as a place in the brain that can generate religious experiences.

5. “Open Heart” - “Opening your heart and accepting Jesus” is just a feeling and, once again, not evidential proof.

6. Unverifiable “Miracles” / Resurrection Stories - Many religions have miracle stories. And so do many sports, movies, TV shows, books and magicians.

7. Fear of Death / “Heaven” - Atheists don’t like the fact that we’re all going to die any more than religious people do. However, this fear does not prove there is an afterlife – only that we wish there was an afterlife. But wishing doesn’t make it so.

8. Then Where Do You Go When You Die? - Buried in the earth? Wherever you were before you were conceived? Nowhere? All more believable and realistic.

9. Fear of Hell - An attempt to get people to believe through fear what they cannot believe through reason and evidence. Then there is the problem of which religion’s hell is the true hell. Without evidence, we can never know.

10. The Bible Says... - The Bible also says some guy's donkey talked.

11.  “Pascal’s Wager” / Faith - In short, Pascal’s Wager states that we have everything to gain (an eternity in heaven) and nothing to lose by believing in a god. On the other hand, disbelief can lead to a loss of heaven. So you are willing to abandon all logic in the decision making process?

12.  My Parents Said... - And what about the tooth fairy, Santa, and your dad's secretary?

13.  Blaming the Victim - Many religions punish people for disbelief. Are atheists to be blamed for not believing when “God” provides insufficient evidence?

14.  The End of the World - Like hell, this is a scare tactic to get people to believe through fear what they can’t believe through reason and evidence.

15.  Meaning in Life - This is the idea that without a belief in god life would be meaningless. Even if this were true, it would only prove we wanted a god to exist to give meaning to our lives, not that a god actually does exist.

16.  Jesus' Followers are Good - Chemotherapy can cure cancer, so everyone should have chemotherapy.

17.  Jesus Worked Miracles - There are eye witnesses that Bigfoot exists, David Blaine flies, and aliens abduct people.

18.  “God is Intangible, Like Love” - Love is not intangible. Unlike “God,” love is a physical thing. We know the chemicals responsible for the feeling of love.

19.  You Can't See Air But You Believe in It - I also can't see gravity, tomorrow, microwaves, or the sun at night.

20.  Morality/Ethics - This is the idea that without a god we’d have no basis for morality. However, a secular moral code existed before the Bible: the Code of Hammurabi.

21.  Altruism - Our choices are based on what gives us (our genes) the best advantage for survival, including raising our reputation in society.

22.  Free Will - Some believe that the only free will we have is to exercise a conscious veto over actions suggested by our thoughts.

23.  Difficulties of Religion - It has sometimes been argued that because certain religious practices are difficult to follow, nobody would do them if a god didn’t exist. However, it is the belief in the existence of a god that is motivating people. A god doesn’t really have to exist for this to happen.

24.  False Dichotomies - “Either Jesus was insane or he was god. Since Jesus said some wise things, he wasn’t insane. Therefore, he must be god, like he said he was.” But those are not the only two possibilities.

25.  Hitler was an Atheist - He was also a heterosexual, so can I assume you're against that, too?

26.  God-of-the-Gaps (Medicine, Life, Universe, etc.) - The god-of-the-gaps argument says that if we don’t currently know the scientific answer to something, then “God did it.”

Ok so it's still pretty funny...


Got this from http://www.listafterlist.com/tabid/57/listid/8669/Religion/Arguments+for+Atheism+Against+Religion.aspx

Oh you're SOOOOO original...

This is a little piece from the movie "Religilous" with Bill Maher

Bill Maher: But the Jesus story wasn't original. 

Man at The Holy Land Experience: How so? 

Bill Maher: "Written in 1280 BC, The Book of the Dead describes a God, Horus... Horus is the son of the god Osiris... born to a virgin mother. He was baptized in a river by Anup the Baptizer... who was later beheaded. Like Jesus, Horus was tempted while alone in the desert... Healed the sick... The blind... Cast out demons... And walked on water... He raised Asar from the dead. 'Asar' translates to 'Lazarus'. Oh yeah, he also had 12 disciples. Yes, Horus was crucified first... And after 3 days, two women announced... Horus, the savior of humanity... had been resurrected. 

I Found Jesus

These are all images that people legitimately believe to be representations of Jesus. Because they have appeared without the help of anybody, they are considered miracles. I say bullshit.

Ceiling Tile Stain Jesus: I see how you could argue that this looks like a person with long hair. So automatically let's slap a Jesus name tag on it. It's a miracle!! No its a water stain on your ceiling tile sir, and if you don't get that leak fixed you are going to have some serious water damage that Jesus won't be able to help you with. Better start building your ark Noah. 

Cheesus: This is my least favorite Jesus image. It's a fucked up cheese puff (looks to be a cheeto, but I don't want to put my credibility on the line and make an accusation like that). I think that this thing looks like a person struggling to get out of a sleeping bag or a cheerleader with no legs. Not jesus, not even close. Keep dreaming jesus lovers.

Dog Ass Jesus: What an appropriate place for Jesus. His head has been delicately fuzed with the asshole of this canine, so whenever it takes a shit there is literally shit coming out of the mouth of jesus. I find this to be shockingly  accurate. I'm a huge fan of this dog ass jesus and am a believer that this is actually Jesus. Keep taking shits puppy.

Fish Dicks Jesus: OK fine its a fish STICK, but say it fast and it sounds like fish dicks... south park anybody? ANYWAY... something is really fishy about this charred and battered fillet of fish. Who in their right mind would burn a perfectly good fish stick like that? This is dumb, I hate people. It kind of looks like the kid who plays Neville Longbottom in the Harry Potter movies to me.

Gross Cup Jesus: Ok sick fuck... wash your damn mug and and it wont be covered in grunge. There is no excuse for the exterior of a coffee mug to reach this level of filthiness. And then to claim that you see jesus... you're stupid.










I don't know why all of these hidden jesus things are so popular. They're usually the result of a fuck up or something being dirty (or a dog's ass). Are you jesus finders insinuating that jesus is a dirty fuck up of a dog's ass? If you are, then we have no argument and I am done. Good day to you.

FML: Religious Issue

Some funny things I found of fmylife.com about religion


Today, I made the mistake of sneezing in front of a hyper religious customer, who for ten minutes proceeded to blame the incident of shifting weather patterns that signaled the return of Jesus, who was as she explained, upset about the abortion rates in America and President Obama. FML


Today, was my senior prom. I've had a crush on my date for months, but after many attempts at grinding with him and sexy seduction, he rejected me saying he was a good Catholic boy. I later found out that not only is he in touch with his religion, but intimately in touch with other boys. FML


Today, I went to a camp my friend invited me to, thinking we'd just be roasting marshmallows all day and hanging out outside. Nope. It was a soul searching, get closer to Jesus camp. The first five hours were spent repeatedly praying and singing. I'm not a Christian. FML


Today, I took my friend to the E.R. for an eye infection. While waiting, I proclaimed, "Why, Jesus?!" jokingly. Well, the gigantic biker sitting next to me, who had found religion in prison and is a born again Christian, was not pleased. He spent the next four hours trying to convert me. FML


Today, my Christian boyfriend of six months broke up with me. I had told him when we started dating that I was an atheist, and he just now decided to look up what it is. He gave me a bible. FML


Today, I was talking [to] this pretty religious girl that I like. We were playing a game and I asked her if she could go back in history and meet anyone who would it be. She said Jesus. Without thinking I said "I mean someone that was real." FML

Jesus Freak of the Week #4

May 21st, 2011 is the day? If you go to their site they talk about how everyone from scientists to politicians are talking about the end being near. They talk about earthquakes, tsunamis, nuclear weapons, the mayan calendar and all that jazz (all of which have been around for a very long time and are not new developments). How is this "RETURN OF CHRIST" going to work? The girl in the picture looks pretty damn happy. I picture the clouds opening up, a little bearded man in a toga floating down and saying things like "George, you're a dick, knock it off" or "Stacy, stop being such a whore." Whether this happens or the earth will come to an end you'd think we should have some kind of large scale countdown in every major city. May 21st is only a few months away and we should be preparing!

I would really like to know how this sweet custom paint job has affected the value of this vehicle. Also, when May 22nd comes along and everyone is off doing their thing this broad is going to feel dumb and no car dealership is going to take that trade-in. Bitch, if this god guy loved you then you'd have great vision and you wouldn't have to wear glasses, plus you wouldn't be wearing those stupid fucking wrist brace things. See you on May 22nd!

Texts From Last Night: Religious Issue

Just a few little gems found on TFLN

(215): i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section

(513): You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.

(709): so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?

(224): Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.

(760): Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that

(904): i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school

(831): theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it

(970): Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty

(720): haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"

(845): First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...

Pancakes Hate Religion

The International House of Pancakes (IHOP) brought charges agains the International House of Prayer (IHOP) due to the fact that the pancake house did not want to be associated with any religion. You would think that the church wouldn't want to be associated with the place where everyone goes when they are drunk and/or high to eat pancakes at 1 in the morning. 


This leads me to my main argument. Pancakes are more useful than Prayer. First of all, pancakes are delicious and you can really eat them at any time of day or night. Prayer is boring and makes you clinically insane. Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. You can eat pancakes over and over and expect the same thing... deliciousness. As soon as you start getting on your knees mumbling to yourself every night expecting something to change, you're insane. Stop praying, go get pancakes. Pancakes cure insanity. The End.

Dear Lord Baby Jesus

I love this movie, especially this scene

Some may say inappropriate... I say funny

 Jesus is watching you adult videos. What a perv. Supposedly Jesus or God or whoever is in charge will know if you are watching porn anyway, so the billboard is really unnecessary. Has anybody ever noticed that this Jesus guy kinda looks like some sketchy porn star? Do work Jesus.




















You can hang out with all the boys ... It's fun to stay at the Y-M-C-A! Jesus you're gay. This is hilarious and I would love to meet the MCA of this group (christians can keep the Y). Who knew that Jesus came back to earth in the 70's as the construction worker from the Village People... I mean he was a carpenter right? I think the lightning bolt on the hard hat must be a godly thing, kinda like Zeus.

I see a resemblance

True Life: I have a dumb tattoo

I love tattoos. I think when they're done right they can be awesome. Tattoos are a great way to express yourself, remember somebody, or just have some fun. However it is very easy for a tattoo to go terribly wrong. One bad decision and you have a monstrosity attached to you for the rest of your life. We have all seen the awful tramp stamps and barbed wire/tribal armbands, but some of the worst tattoos I have ever seen are religion inspired. 

Our first great piece of art comes from this guy/girl (who really knows?). This individual has tattooed a mormon temple and the angel Moroni on its back. The first thing that crosses my mind here is I didn't know that mormons could get tattoos... news to me! Secondly, this angel guy's name is Moroni, not to revert back to 4th grade, but that name is way too close to MORON, and you sir/ma'am are a MORON for having such a stupid tattoo.

This great piece of art is the combination of two very stupid things: The Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim, probably the worst name in all of sports, and Christianity. I imagine that if the movie Angels in the Outfield was real, this is what the kid would end up looking like.

This is what the kid actually
ended up looking like

What a great movie

Cute... Really fuckin' cute. This is another terrible combination. Hello Kitty and Jesus separately are scary enough, but lets fuze them together like Sid from Toy Story and see what kind of mutant we can come up with. You can just add Hello Jesus to these little guys below.

The bloody, stigmata ridden, beard wearing cat will now always be on your body and you can forever be reminded that you are a dumbass. 

Oh dear hairy Jesus. This is one of the most awkward tattoos I have ever seen. I'm assuming this is a guy, but who really knows? The real question is this for Jesus (geeze-us) Christ or Jesus (hey-zeus) Chavez. Terrible tattoo, terrible placement, terrible manscaping.

Tattoos stick with us forever and as stated above they are a great way to make a statement, these tattoos indeed make a statement of "I'm retarded." I know a lot of people believe "only god can judge me" but whenever you reveal your dumb tattoos everyone around you will start to judge. I feel this is an appropriate time to use a quote from the great film Superbad... "People don't forget!"