Texts From Last Night: Religious Issue #5

(410): I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.

(312): Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.

(304): Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying

(304): She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments

(847): Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.

Oopsies... Wrong again

I saw this posted outside of a restaurant on the 22nd. I'm a big fan.

Rapture vs. Raptor

Just a little something that I drew up for fun

May 21, 2011

I haven't posted in a while because I have been preparing myself for Judgement Day. So much going on, its so exciting!

A week or so ago this flyer was left on the front door of my house. Didn't get a great picture of it before we threw it in the trash (I now regret that). I'm going to try to remember what it said, or at least give you a general idea.

It will be a day of great havoc. Many will die on that day. Only God can grant you salvation. Now is the time to make blah blah blah we're dumb.

I really like how this organization has put so much effort into notifying everyone about this event. 

In case you weren't aware...

If these fuckers would have used half of the money they used on advertising the "Return of Christ" on some good causes I'm sure their "God" would be a lot more impressed.

I like how their motto/website is We CAN Know. When they're wrong they're going to feel pretty silly.

Hell Explained by a Chemistry Student

The following is a question given on a Purdue University chemistry mid-term exam, and an answer turned in by a student.

The answer was so 'profound' that the professor decided to share it with colleagues, via the Internet, which, of course, is why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well: 

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)? 

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following: 

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time.  So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving, which is unlikely.  I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave.  Therefore, no souls are leaving.  As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.

Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell.  Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.  With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.  Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities: 

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose. 

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it? 

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over.  The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct..... ...leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting 'Oh my God.'

                                                       
THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+

Texts From Last Night: Religious Issue #4

(706): Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.

I think Jesus really did say that...

You must be 48 inches tall and wearing a weird collar to ride this ride

Keep prayin' boys...

Crazy Christian Facebook Status #10

Here he goes with the dots and puzzles references again. Douche bag. I really like what he did there with the "te-LIE-vision," however the way he broke it up it sounds nothing like television, its more like TEA-LIE-VISION, just a bad joke on his part. I'm glad that he does his own research though, at least we know that he's the one coming to these dumb fuck conclusions.