Texts From Last Night: Religious Issue #5

(410): I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.

(312): Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.

(304): Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying

(304): She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments

(847): Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.

Oopsies... Wrong again

I saw this posted outside of a restaurant on the 22nd. I'm a big fan.

Rapture vs. Raptor

Just a little something that I drew up for fun

May 21, 2011

I haven't posted in a while because I have been preparing myself for Judgement Day. So much going on, its so exciting!

A week or so ago this flyer was left on the front door of my house. Didn't get a great picture of it before we threw it in the trash (I now regret that). I'm going to try to remember what it said, or at least give you a general idea.

It will be a day of great havoc. Many will die on that day. Only God can grant you salvation. Now is the time to make blah blah blah we're dumb.

I really like how this organization has put so much effort into notifying everyone about this event. 

In case you weren't aware...

If these fuckers would have used half of the money they used on advertising the "Return of Christ" on some good causes I'm sure their "God" would be a lot more impressed.

I like how their motto/website is We CAN Know. When they're wrong they're going to feel pretty silly.

Hell Explained by a Chemistry Student

The following is a question given on a Purdue University chemistry mid-term exam, and an answer turned in by a student.

The answer was so 'profound' that the professor decided to share it with colleagues, via the Internet, which, of course, is why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well: 

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)? 

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following: 

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time.  So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving, which is unlikely.  I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave.  Therefore, no souls are leaving.  As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.

Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell.  Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.  With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.  Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities: 

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose. 

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it? 

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over.  The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct..... ...leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting 'Oh my God.'

                                                       
THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+

Texts From Last Night: Religious Issue #4

(706): Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.

I think Jesus really did say that...

You must be 48 inches tall and wearing a weird collar to ride this ride

Keep prayin' boys...

Crazy Christian Facebook Status #10

Here he goes with the dots and puzzles references again. Douche bag. I really like what he did there with the "te-LIE-vision," however the way he broke it up it sounds nothing like television, its more like TEA-LIE-VISION, just a bad joke on his part. I'm glad that he does his own research though, at least we know that he's the one coming to these dumb fuck conclusions.

Comments from CNN's story on the destruction caused by tornadoes in the South

Ok that was kinda funny...  Lot's of people died and have lost their homes, but this guy made a good point.

Wow... Big statement to make there. A little funny, a lot offensive. I cant tell if this person is anti-religion and being sarcastic or really super religious.

 Well that answers my question. Religion does equal superstitious nonsense for ignorant simpletons, 1 point for you. However, let's not make us atheists look bad by saying "braying" instead of "praying" unless of course you actually meant "braying" as if people are yelling at god. In that case, nice diction.

Them be fightin' words! How about you do something useful like putting down that god damn book and let some people in Alabama who don't have any heat burn it so they can keep warm at night. Douche.

I'm going to go ahead and agree with the two people who commented on this. What the fuck?? Why do Jesus lovers have to be so crazy? They can't just be like "oh shit man, that sucks, we should help them out" but no, instead they say "oh ya! God hates you! Told you so! Na na na boo boo, stick your head in doo doo."

Well put. There's no god, it was weather. Rebuild the houses, rebuild the schools, the churches can wait.

Crazy Christian Facebook Status #9

Happy Easter!

Great idea Dad!!! I might actually watch that movie. Jesus, dead, walking around spreading his zombie lifestyle by touching the hearts of millions (biting them). Then everyone else will be a zombie and walk around following Zombie Jesus, even though he's no different than they are, just another blood thirsty zombie. Easter is my new favorite holiday!

Note: 4 people liked this status... disappointing

Crazy Christian Facebook Status #8

Check out this funny little status that our friend posted

This is a quote from one of Katy Perry's songs. So he thinks that aliens are angels and/or demons...whatever. I'm not saying aliens are real or not, but I'm pretty sure he's still crazy.

Let's look at the main craziness of this post. "A false ufo invasion is going down next year." What the fuck?? I don't understand why this guy thinks that using google and his lack of common sense makes him a credible source to announce false ufo invasions.

Crazy Christian Facebook Status #7

Oh ok, so you believe that "aliens" are not of this dimension and people who died and instead of went to "heaven" they have returned and bred with human women? Oh yeah ok that makes sense...

Fuck you

Crazy Christian Facebook Status #6 (Contact was made)

I finally had enough of this kid and his crazy statuses on Facebook. So this was me calling him out on his dumb fucking conspiracy theories.

1 point for me

FML: Religious Issue #3

Today, my grandma got up at 6:30am, clattered about the bathroom then sang religious songs at the top of her voice for half an hour. Apparently this is her normal routine, weekends included. She is staying with us for a month. FML.


Today, I finally decided to tell my parents I was a lesbian. They spent the next few hours reading me the bible. FML


Today, while in a public restroom I could hear a guy having his way with his hand. He was quoting verses from the bible. I was in a cubicle and he was at the urinal. I was too frightened to leave. This went on for a very long time. FML


Today, I desperately tried to explain to my boyfriend why he shouldn't talk about the bible during sex. He honestly doesn't understand. FML

Texts From Last Night: Religious Issue #3

(570): he quoted the bible to break up with me

(702): So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.

(203): I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me

(904): i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school

(760): Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that

(803): A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as i thought it would be. Thank you san francisco. 

Jesus and Dinosaurs

This is for real...
Take note of the COLORING HINTS at the bottom.

Pole Dancing for Jesus

I don't even know if I can make any funny comments about this...

http://www.kjrh.com/dpp/entertainment/class-teaches-%22pole-dancing-for-jesus%22

Awesome Movie Quotes

Talladega Nights


Cal Naughton, Jr.: I like to think of Jesus as an Ice Dancer, dressed in an all-white jumpsuit, and doing an interpretive dance of my life. 


Cal Naughton, Jr.: I like to think of Jesus as a mischievous badger. 


Cal Naughton, Jr.: I like to picture Jesus in a tuxedo T-Shirt because it says I want to be formal, but I'm here to party. 


Forrest Gump


Lieutenant Daniel Taylor: Have you found Jesus yet, Gump?
Forrest Gump: I didn't know I was supposed to be looking for him, sir. 


Lieutenant Daniel Taylor: That's what all these cripples down at the VA talk about: Jesus this and Jesus that, have I found Jesus yet? They even had a priest come and talk to me. He said God is listening and if I found Jesus, I'd get to walk beside him in the kingdom of Heaven. Did you hear what I said? WALK beside him in the kingdom of Heaven! Well kiss my crippled ass. God is listening? What a crock of shit.


Step Brothers


Dale Doback:  You have the voice of an angel. Your voice is like a combination of Fergie and Jesus. 


Pineapple Express


Saul: Smell it. SMELL it! Enjoy. It's like... God's vagina! 


Anchorman


Brian Fantana: Ron, I know it sounds harsh, but God does not want her to live. 


Forgetting Sarah Marshall


Darald: You have Christ between your thighs... only with a shorter beard. 


Darald: Let me just say that if God was a city planner he would not put a playground next to a sewage system! 


Darald: God put our mouths on our head for a reason. No! 


Superbad


Evan: I heard she got breast reduction surgery.
Seth: What? That's like slapping God across the face for giving you a beautiful gift.
Evan: She had back problems, man. 


Little Nicky


Deacon: The Lord loves you, and the Lord loves you.
[to Nicky]
Deacon: You make the Lord very nervous. 


Christa: God's so smart.
Jenna: Yeah, like Jeopardy smart.

FML: Religious Issue #2

Today, my mom banned me from watching The Simpsons and Family Guy because apparently, they're part of "the Devil's plan to corrupt God's children". FML




Today, I found out that if you fall asleep in church, people will think you're having a spiritual moment, and you'll wake up to ten people praying for you. FML




Today, I told my parents I no longer believe in the religion they strictly raised me under. They responded by kicking me out of the house. I'm broke, jobless and the only person that will take me in is my psycho ex-girlfriend who never got over me. FMLL




Today, I went to get a condom because my boyfriend and I were going to have sex for the first time. When I opened the drawer, I saw that every single condom had a Jesus pin stabbed through it, and a note on top of the box: "love mom." FML

Crazy Christian Facebook Status #4

Jesus Love:
With rampant degradation and twisted thought in today's world, it's hard for people to convince others to follow His word. It's a challenge I accept.


Haha shut up. People have a hard time believing because it's like believing that Michael Jackson never had any plastic surgeries. It's pretty hard when you have so much evidence right in front of you. Go have some more Jesus Juice...