Texts From Last Night: Religious Issue #3

(570): he quoted the bible to break up with me

(702): So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.

(203): I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me

(904): i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school

(760): Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that

(803): A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as i thought it would be. Thank you san francisco. 

Me, My Girlfriend, and the Mormon Missionaries (part 3)

So last night my girlfriend and I were having a fantastic Nip/Tuck marathon. It's about 7:48pm and my girlfriend notices some movement in the front yard. She says "shit... mormons!" and runs to the kitchen. One of them sees me through the curtains, smiles and nods... fuck you mormon. I don't get up. They knock. They know I'm here, I can't hide and there's no way they'll leave. So I take my time getting up and eventually I open the door to their huge hopeful smiles. These two guys have been traveling together for a long time. Just them, the two of them, just two guys, two guys doing mormon things. I know what they want. My girlfriend is a very attractive young woman. I get it guys, you just want to chat her up. Well not tonight Captain Joseph and Commander Smith. I tell them that she is away visiting family and they leave. I think next time I will tell them that she moved to Salt Lake City to become a mormon and see if they believe me.

Texts From Last Night: Religious Issue

Just a few little gems found on TFLN

(215): i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section

(513): You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.

(709): so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?

(224): Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.

(760): Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that

(904): i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school

(831): theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it

(970): Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty

(720): haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"

(845): First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...

True Life: I have a dumb tattoo

I love tattoos. I think when they're done right they can be awesome. Tattoos are a great way to express yourself, remember somebody, or just have some fun. However it is very easy for a tattoo to go terribly wrong. One bad decision and you have a monstrosity attached to you for the rest of your life. We have all seen the awful tramp stamps and barbed wire/tribal armbands, but some of the worst tattoos I have ever seen are religion inspired. 

Our first great piece of art comes from this guy/girl (who really knows?). This individual has tattooed a mormon temple and the angel Moroni on its back. The first thing that crosses my mind here is I didn't know that mormons could get tattoos... news to me! Secondly, this angel guy's name is Moroni, not to revert back to 4th grade, but that name is way too close to MORON, and you sir/ma'am are a MORON for having such a stupid tattoo.

This great piece of art is the combination of two very stupid things: The Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim, probably the worst name in all of sports, and Christianity. I imagine that if the movie Angels in the Outfield was real, this is what the kid would end up looking like.

This is what the kid actually
ended up looking like

What a great movie

Cute... Really fuckin' cute. This is another terrible combination. Hello Kitty and Jesus separately are scary enough, but lets fuze them together like Sid from Toy Story and see what kind of mutant we can come up with. You can just add Hello Jesus to these little guys below.

The bloody, stigmata ridden, beard wearing cat will now always be on your body and you can forever be reminded that you are a dumbass. 

Oh dear hairy Jesus. This is one of the most awkward tattoos I have ever seen. I'm assuming this is a guy, but who really knows? The real question is this for Jesus (geeze-us) Christ or Jesus (hey-zeus) Chavez. Terrible tattoo, terrible placement, terrible manscaping.

Tattoos stick with us forever and as stated above they are a great way to make a statement, these tattoos indeed make a statement of "I'm retarded." I know a lot of people believe "only god can judge me" but whenever you reveal your dumb tattoos everyone around you will start to judge. I feel this is an appropriate time to use a quote from the great film Superbad... "People don't forget!"

Me, My Girlfriend, and the Mormon Missionaries (part 2)

So picture this. It's about 7pm, dark outside, pouring rain and there's a knock at the door. I open the door and there are two young men drenched with rain water, wearing ponchos and huge smiles. From under the black ponchos I can see the white collared shirt and black tie peeking out. My first thought; It's dark and raining, a black poncho is very dangerous, they should really be wearing some kind of neon or reflective material. The next thing to cross my mind; what the hell do the mormons want now? One of them says "Hello, is (my girlfriend's name) here?" Yes she was there, but I come up with a story about how we just got home and are getting ready to go out, so I will have to go check to see if she can come to the door. I ask her if she wants to talk to our door-to-door religious salesmen tonight and she says no. So I return to the door and explain to the young men that my girlfriend can't come hang out with them on the porch right now. They say "That's fine, we can come back another day, we just wanted to stop by and say hi and see how she's doing" the whole time with this huge Book of Mormon eating grin on his face. The mormon missionaries are in love with my girlfriend and I'm not sure how I feel about that.

Me, My Girlfriend, and the Mormon Missionaries

Over the past couple of months my girlfriend and I have had a pair of young Mormon gentlemen knock on our door rather frequently. While most of us are jumping out of sight and tip-toeing away not to be detected by the visitors with the white shirts, black ties and big smiles, my girlfriend is the opposite. She opens the doors, steps outside and hears them out. The first time it was accidental, but now it's a biweekly event which turns into great stories. The most recent visit has been the most rewarding. I am happy to say that we are now the proud owners of "The Book of Mormon"! I know, you're jealous, just think of how useful this great piece of literature will be. So far, it's been a great conversation piece which allows me to explain to all of my friends how some Mormon guys are in love with my girlfriend. Also, due to the fact that it is a pretty substantially sized with lots of pages, it will be great to use as a paperweight, emergency fire starter or even as a weapon that I could throw at intruders (my aim is impeccable). I digress. The most valuable aspect of these visits so far has come from a small comment that was made about how we are not happy with our current lawn services (Jose's Gardening Services). Our Mormon Missionary friends informed my girlfriend that they are supposed to be helping the community so if we need them to come rake leaves or mow the lawn they will be more than happy to do so. Now we're talkin'. You're telling me that instead of overpaying Jose (his name is really Jose, I'm not being racist) I can have these happy-go-lucky, Joseph Smith loving, LDS fanatics do my yard for free? This is going to be fantastic!

Not our actual Mormons (but I'll try to get a picture with them)

I'm waiting for the day that I build up the courage to ask them about their special Mormon underwear.

Mormon underwear

I will be posting about our encounters with our Mormon Missionaries whenever they come to visit.