Texts From Last Night: Religious Issue #5

(410): I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.

(312): Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.

(304): Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying

(304): She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments

(847): Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.

FML: Religious Issue #3

Today, my grandma got up at 6:30am, clattered about the bathroom then sang religious songs at the top of her voice for half an hour. Apparently this is her normal routine, weekends included. She is staying with us for a month. FML.


Today, I finally decided to tell my parents I was a lesbian. They spent the next few hours reading me the bible. FML


Today, while in a public restroom I could hear a guy having his way with his hand. He was quoting verses from the bible. I was in a cubicle and he was at the urinal. I was too frightened to leave. This went on for a very long time. FML


Today, I desperately tried to explain to my boyfriend why he shouldn't talk about the bible during sex. He honestly doesn't understand. FML

FML: Religious Issue #2

Today, my mom banned me from watching The Simpsons and Family Guy because apparently, they're part of "the Devil's plan to corrupt God's children". FML




Today, I found out that if you fall asleep in church, people will think you're having a spiritual moment, and you'll wake up to ten people praying for you. FML




Today, I told my parents I no longer believe in the religion they strictly raised me under. They responded by kicking me out of the house. I'm broke, jobless and the only person that will take me in is my psycho ex-girlfriend who never got over me. FMLL




Today, I went to get a condom because my boyfriend and I were going to have sex for the first time. When I opened the drawer, I saw that every single condom had a Jesus pin stabbed through it, and a note on top of the box: "love mom." FML

Texts From Last Night: Religious Issue

Just a few little gems found on TFLN

(215): i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section

(513): You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.

(709): so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?

(224): Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.

(760): Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that

(904): i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school

(831): theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it

(970): Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty

(720): haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"

(845): First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...